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[ |
Monday
July 23rd, at 9:42pm
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Once again I have found myself at home in an environment of musicians. Most of us think alike and share a passion that burns deep in the soul. Most of us are full of love and compassion and do not judge. I would love to make a living of this if i knew it wouldnt be so difficult, and if there was no way that the politics and competition could put that firey passion right out.
You and I were meant to be friends. And friend's we shall stay. We are happier this way.
You and I have some catching up to do, but I think it's only fathomable in my dreams and across computer screens.
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| oh no, oh God no... |
[ |
Friday
July 20th, at 3:25pm
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| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
please someone tell me an answer because i keep asking the same question without finding a solution.
WHAT THE FUCK IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME.
I do not know what is happening/has happened to me. I am so ridiculously incapable of love. I like my space. So much so that I haven't seen you in days and I don't care. Our phone conversations are short fused and short in length. You wanted to see me before I leave, just you and me. Well we're going out with others tonight and I don't even want to be in the setting of a "double date." I don't like your touchy feelyness. I don't like making out with you and how you always want to. I don't want you physically anymore and I don't want you to want me. I want to be on my own. I want to be free. I don't want to break your heart but I will and you will hold a grudge and neglect that we promised "Best Friends Forever."
Well I just want my best friend back.
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| love |
[ |
Thursday
June 28th, at 12:10am
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I love Gypsy Jazz.
I love friends.
I love having Alexas back.
I love Ben.
I love FREE (the adjective.)
I love sun.
I love laughter.
I love food.
I love family.
I LOVE LOVE.
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| endings. |
[ |
Friday
June 8th, at 3:20pm
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| [ |
mood |
| |
 numb |
] |
I feel like this won't hit me until it's September 17th and my parents and I are unaccompanied by my brother at my birthday dinner. Or maybe it will be as early as the first day of school, when I'm taking the bus or riding with a friend as opposed to riding shotgun next to my brother with music blasting our ear drums out. I don't know when it will come, but I wish i could feel it now. I don't understand why I can't feel the emotion that other girls do, how they cry...I wish i could. I imagine myself doing so. But I just don't feel it. I know what's coming. I know that for each thing that happens this week I'll be saying "This is the last time we'll do ___" or "This is the last time I'll be at ___ with ___" but the emotion just won't come through. I want to be sad. I want to show my brother how much I'll miss him and how much I regret not trying to get closer with him sooner...I want to show my senior friends how much I'll miss their presence, even when half of them will be at UB and i can hang out with them whenever I want. I just want it to show.
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| perks |
[ |
Friday
June 1st, at 11:17pm
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| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
Tonight I finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. To be completely honest, I had avoided this book for a long time even when everyone said to read it; because of that soul reason. It seemed like one of those cliche girly "coming of age" books. But I was in need of a good read, so I went for it. And i figured out that everyone reads it because it is so beautiful. I feel like my whole life is answered in those pages. Charlie's letters show the world what's really important...what a real friend is...what real love is. What it is to feel. And I feel blessed to have come across this book. When you sit back and just watch as the one from the "wall," you can observe and think in past, present, and future. This year, this sophomore year of mine that's coming to a close...has been a year of change. I have never been so emotional and part of me is ashamed of that, but I know that I have grown from it. I have come to understand true friendship, and the fact that sometimes one that you may think is true might eventually fade...and that's alright. Because everyone we've met, we met for a reason. They showed us something. Sometimes their lesson isn't meant to keep teaching us forever, and it stops. And then we meet another person, and learn another lesson... I'm fortunate enough to [so far] have just a couple of beautiful long-lasting friendships as well as a family that loves me for everything I do.
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| =] |
[ |
Saturday
May 12th, at 10:05am
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| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
There is no longer a "mess." He is mine and I am his...and I'm sure you'll all be glad to know that i picked the right He.
I am falling in love.
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[ |
Wednesday
April 18th, at 4:03pm
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| [ |
music |
| |
John Mayer [3 dayss!] |
] |
Despite how ridiculously complicated and swarmed my head feels with this mess; life is good. Life is so good.
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| ...is anyone even reading anymore? |
[ |
Sunday
April 8th, at 5:09pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 still content. =] |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
my second wind. <3mybrother. |
] |
When you came home and I was walking toward you across an empty parking lot like in a movie, I wanted to be running- but I wasn't. I was with people and at that time still concerned of my image. A friend jokingly ran ahead of me, but you pushed him aside. A lengthy embrace, and that feeling...your skin was always so warm...
I caught myself smiling when I thought about that one time- the last time. And then I thought to myself; how lucky am i? Look at me, look at me smiling. And I kept smiling, because that memory is oh-so-wonderful, just like quite a few others that I experienced with you. Things get thrown at you unexpectedly and a lot of the time, especially when you're as young as I am and my friends are; it makes you feel terrible. But one experience under your belt is another lesson learned, another memory to keep. It's just that sometimes I just can't help wishing to reincarnate the past. Key word- wishing. It's only a wish that I don't want to come true.
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| hello world! |
[ |
Wednesday
April 4th, at 7:10pm
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| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
I feel bad for writing that private entry of hatred to you. I jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst, but what else was I supposed to do when I hadn't heard from you? But thank you- thank you for eventually calling, and thank you for understanding my reasoning.
What we are now is exactly where we should be. I am finally over you, I have been over you. You no longer captivate me. When you speak to me, I don't shake; when I see you, my pulse is steady. You and I like to tell stories and make each other laugh- in the mornings. The morning is our time and no one can take that from us.
I have come to terms with my surroundings. I cannot change the way people live if i do not like it. I don't have to like it, I don't have to do it. Let other people do what they want. What you do no longer makes me angry with you- just disgusts me and angers me that you do not learn from your mistakes, because I only wish for your well being.
I am at a perfect balance. I have control over my life in all areas; with just enough work and just enough fun. I have relaxed myself and gone down in levels of stress without not caring too much, but still keeping a good head on my shoulders.
I finally feel pretty damn happy.
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| take what you've been given, but don't take it for granted. just fucking live. |
[ |
Sunday
March 25th, at 12:44am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 IM HAPPY. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
melee |
] |
whatever happens, happens for a reason and thats how life plays out. sometimes we win a game and sometimes we lose it and it sucks and it hurts and for a moment it feels like we'll never get up, but when you look at the big picture you realize that it's not worth the tears and time over something we'll probably forget about or at least disregard in the future.
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| i want to manipulate time. |
[ |
Thursday
March 1st, at 8:11pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
joe venuti and stephane grappelli |
] |
I don't like how lazy ive become
how indifferent I am to everything
how complicated things are/i make things
...how I don't care enough to do anything about it.
But the beauty of it is just that...I don't care.
The glass is still half full, I'm actually happy with myself right now.
I've adopted this attitude, you can take from it what you wish:
"Fuck everyone, fuck it all. I will do what I can for myself and if it pleases others, then that's a bonus."
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| the glass IS half full. |
[ |
Friday
February 23rd, at 4:35pm
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| [ |
mood |
| |
rejuvenated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Regina Spektor- Samson |
] |
Sarah Kost, you have brought me back to life.
This February break was not enough for me. I feel that I need to get out of town, away from everyone and everything that is familiarity. I miss the yearly trips to Florida that my family used to take. It was just us, visiting my grandma and meeting all her cute old friends, tanning by the pool and taking walks in the heat of the night. I miss that so much, that free feeling, kind of like the same one i get in the 1,000 islands. During this whole week, I just felt so low. The thing i was once so passionate about, my music, is fading. That is one terrible feeling. It made me feel as if I had absolutely nothing, because that really is all I do with my life. Lately i've just been becoming increasingly pessimistic. This year brought on so many more things, or maybe the same amount but in greater difficulty. I'm not sure if many of you know, but I really do believe that I have a fear of change, and I think that's why it all seemed so terrible to me. I was/have been wishing that it was last year. But it's not, and it can't be. It's February 23rd, 2007.
I'm sick of complaining about the pressure I'm under and how there's so many things to do at once. I'm just plain sick of talking about it! In the past few days I've slowly tried to work myself back into practicing after taking way too much time off [a week in a violinists eyes is definitely costly] and of course, I immediately got discouraged and scared of all the things that needed to be done so I panicked. But every day I did a little bit more, and today the most...but after a while, I freaked again. So I came on here to talk. To vent more, to complain more. Usually it would be to Ben or Danny...but today it was Sarah. And I am so glad that it was Sarah, because she finally opened my eyes. They were only seeing the glass as half empty...and not just in music, in everything. I haven't looked at the bright side of a situation in God knows how long.
Everything I'm involved in, I got myself into. All of it. It was my choice. There is added pressure from adults who try to milk that fact for all it's worth, but that's part of the deal, it's their job. I need to suck it up. I'm terrible at that but there's always a starting point for everything. There's always a bright side to everything and I need to start seeing it, not tuck my head between my knees and stare into blackness.
If you read all that, i most likely love you. =]
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| bye. |
[ |
Friday
January 5th, at 5:39pm
| | ] |
i'm done writing my feelings in here.
they change too often for me to keep up with them in my own head, let alone on a computer screen.
i'll still be around to read for everyone.
on hiatus until further notice.
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| free. |
[ |
Monday
January 1st, at 8:42pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick to my stomach |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Gregory and the Hawk |
] |
the breakup phonecall.
is complete.
holy shit.
it was the right thing to do. it's in my gut.
it's in my heart.
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[ |
Saturday
December 16th, at 8:08pm
| | ] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nsync- dirty pop |
] |
I miss:
summer.
when the country parkway posse was tighter than double knotted shoelaces.
someone.
my passion for music.
my dedication to school.
when i didn't know what hurt was.
elizabeth, steven, ryan, watch island.
suzuki.
natalie.
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| lost. |
[ |
Thursday
December 14th, at 5:13pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
Something is seriously wrong with my thinking and reasoning. I seem to always set myself up for letdowns. I wrote my last entry just 6 days ago and I'm already regretting it. Maybe regret isn't the right word, maybe just wishing I hadn't come off so strong. Jordan makes me happy, he's a wonderful person...I don't want to sound cocky or conceited but I know he is going to love me, I can see it. I'm scared because I don't know if that's going to happen for me. The beginnings of my relationships seem to be shaky and uncertain...at least on my part. Right now I have the ability to shatter Jordan's heart. I already had that ability when I started with my doubts just a couple days ago, but something happened last night that made that ability shoot through the roof. I can't talk about that here...but maybe you'd have an idea of what happened.
...part of me wants to go running back.
Jordan and I can talk about anything. I feel comfortable talking to him and saying what's on my mind, being myself...on the phone. In the mornings I get scared and push him away [not literally], and it's as if I don't even have feelings for him and have to force myself to go over to him because it's expected, and it's the highlight of his morning. Then when he leaves, I feel like shit and want him to come back and make me smile and forget about school and stupid things that don't matter. I want to go share his big tiger blanket or have him come cuddle with me on my futon.
I want to know what I want.
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| =] |
[ |
Friday
December 8th, at 4:05pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
foreverinmotion |
] |
I don't even know how or where to start, but one thing I can say is that I am happy. I love how I have to get used to being called and complimented and loved when I should have started being exposed to those things last March. I walk around with a smile planted on my face and steam roll over everything that could possibly ruin that. My appearance has a bounce and a glow and I make people wonder what's secretly going on, when there's no secret at all. Kost said to me in math today how the Nadine three weeks ago was freaking out and breaking down, cracking under pressure and dying of stress. School is a bitch and life is tough, I still drive myself crazy through whirlwinds of things to do, but none of it matters. None of it matters with him; what we have now and what will come is already more beautiful than anything.
Winterfest is in a week and a half and my heart is already overflowing with excitement and my brain is exploding with music. =]
The Jackson 5 thing is going to be sick as hell, I cannot waitttt.
I love my life.
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[ |
Sunday
November 19th, at 12:51am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
area all-state music stuck in my head. |
] |
I have been such an odd mix of feelings lately. I think I've finally found who I am but it's as if I'm not happy with it...or I am happy with it but I'm too concerned with what other people think so then I think negatively of myself and try to pick out things to change.
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[ |
Thursday
November 9th, at 11:42pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
o-town: all or nothing |
] |
jazz colloquium 2006.
<3.
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[ |
Friday
November 3rd, at 9:34pm
| | ] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I can make a mess like nobody's business |
] |
Three weeks without internet. Surprisingly, it was nice. I actually got things done. I enjoyed the simple life, but after a while it gave me too much time to sit around and think, and too much thinking leads to me bringing myself down. I look at reality, and my realist mind ruins everything. All the ingoing thoughts come out negatively. I raise questions- Where am I going in life? Will I get to wherever I want to go? I can only think of the ways that I can fail, because the path to success looks too difficult to take. And then it all comes at me at once, like someone screaming "heads up" and turning around to a brick in the face. All this stress and emotion at once, until I can't take it anymore and just completely burst; every wall comes crashing down to its bits and pieces of pebbles and dust. It's so hard to push things like that out of my head, but eventually I pick myself back up and just have to remember that I'm a kid and all I can do is take life as it comes. I can only control so much. Live, love, laugh it up, baby.
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